Last week we talked about what self-compassion isn’t, busting some of the common myths that can get in the way of true self-care. Knowledge is really nifty! But we also need to get into the nitty-gritty of how to actually implement some of this knowledge in our daily lives. And how to do so even when there’s a severe spoon shortage.
Let’s start this week by looking at three things NOT to do when you’re trying out this whole self-compassion thingy.
Mistake One: Letting Yourself Waaaaay off the Hook
When many of us hear the word self-compassion, we think of self-care. Of things like naps, bath bombs, snacks, comfy pants, and binging TV shows. These are all awesome in their own way--I cannot deny that! But it’s not necessarily self-compassionate to let ourselves blow off all responsibility for extended periods of time. It’s not necessarily self-compassionate to eat foods that make our bodies feel ill. Or to avoid those phone calls or emails that have an effect on our future selves, like dealing with insurance or student loans. True self-compassion finds the balance between rest and the less fun activities that are important for deep self-care on a practical level. We keep ourselves accountable.
Mistake Two: Avoiding Taking Responsibility
Compassion and empathy help us understand where someone is coming from when they do or say something. We can see things from their perspective and how they may have decided to act in a certain way. However, this is different than saying that they aren’t responsible for their actions. We can understand the reasons without the reasons becoming excuses.
Now let’s turn this idea towards ourselves. If we habitually avoid taking responsibility for our choices and actions, that’s not self-compassion. Avoiding responsibility also means avoiding the opportunity to grow and do better next time. We can explore our reasons, triggers, and motivations with curiosity—being careful not to use them as excuses. Think of an excuse as giving up on yourself. It’s not empowering. It’s saying that you can’t possibly change. (And we know that isn’t true. You wouldn’t be reading this if at least some part of you wasn’t curious about how to make your life different in some way.)
Mistake Three: Giving up Too Soon
Anything new takes time. I’m going to repeat that: Anything new takes time. Most of us weren’t taught self-compassion, so this is new stuff. It’s going to take more than a day, a week, maybe more than a year to really take on a more self-compassionate attitude. Plus, we’re working with minds that are geared for survival, hanging onto painful memories and ditching the pleasant ones. We’re going uphill in the snow both ways, y’all. Our minds will kick up a fuss. That’s to be expected when we make any kind of change. The nay-saying voices will get louder for a while.
What to do then? The key is not to believe them or give them too much attention. If we try to squish them, those voices will come back even louder. You can try acknowledging them in a polite but blowing-off sort of way. I like telling them “Thanks for sharing!” or “I appreciate your concern.” This also takes time to become a habit, and it’s one of the main things I help my coaching clients learn how to do through a variety of techniques.
Now you know more about what not to do when exploring the land of self-compassion. Have some mercy on yourselves when you’re trying this new approach to yourself, okay? It’s some of the hardest and most important work you can do, especially when the outside world is being less than compassionate to you.
We’ll keep exploring this topic all of January, so be sure to tune in next week. If you missed last week’s post, you can find it here. Until next time, stay sweet to your spoonie selves!
